I just finished writing the lyrics for the third and final collaboration before starting the album in earnest. I’d love to get your feedback, which has proven so valuable in the past, before the rough draft becomes final. This one is for a project called Odd Year, masterminded by David Gonzalez, whose other projects include The Long Division and Highrize.
Yes, the lyrics might be considered a tad cheesy. Maybe a little clever. Hopefully not over the top. I want to get all the happy happy out of my system before starting on the album, which should be anything but. More on that later!
Waiting in the Wings
©2009 Brian Hazard (ASCAP)
Maybe this is precisely as it should be
Maybe this is the fabled man of your dreams
Maybe you never noticed my overtures
Maybe given the chance you’ll see I’ve matured
Another plotline
Another script
The me in another life
Would win you over
To snatch you up
And claim you as my wife
Until you stamp out
My stubborn schemes
Of churches and matching rings
I’ll be content to bide my time
Waiting in the wings
Maybe you wanted more but thought it too late
Maybe you’re not the type to challenge your fate
Maybe I’m nothing more than comic relief
Maybe offered the proof you’ll shed that belief.
Here’s a piano playing the melody of the verse into the chorus:
Waiting in the Wings (melodic guide)
{ 20 comments }
You can hear the completed song here:
http://www.thesixtyone.com/theoddyear/song/64528
Yeah I’m fairly into the lyrics, they fare a little cheesy. But it was alright.
I’m diggin the piano too, lol.
hi brian lyrics are fine and love the music cant wait to hear them together and your voice . when the three come together it will be great ,
Brian,
Not cheesy at all. Raymi & Paul are spot on:
PERHAPS me in another life
Cheers
Nader
Lots more great comments – thank you!
I’m pleased and relieved to see that the overall story and intent is coming through. That’s always my main worry – that the lyrics could be interpreted in a totally different (and unsatisfying) way.
As for the details, I suppose I could live with removing “THE me” and “OF churches” but I could go either way. I did make a little swap already (“to” and “and” in the 5th and 6th lines of the chorus).
Seems like it’s pretty much good to go. I’m grateful for your quick input, because after 24 hours or so my lyrics always seem to solidify in my mind. I lose my objectivity and get lazy. I’ll try to record vocals and wrap it up this week. I’m mixing this one myself, so it shouldn’t take long.
Input;
Another plotline
Another script
Perhaps me in another life
could win you over
and snatch you up
To claim you as my wife
Until you stamp out
My stubborn schemes
Of churches and wedding dreams
I’ll be content to bide my time
Waiting in the wings
Yep. i can get what your going for. . . .
questions , time , answers , life.. . .i say go for it!
warmth, janes.
xxxx
Hi Brian,
To address your question of “Of Churches and Matching Rings” – I almost think you could take “Of” out and it still makes complete sense and the flow still works from the previous line.
Dan
Hi Brian,
I love the lyrics to this song and it is very clearly written. Maybe is such a powerful word and I wouldn’t change a thing. As for the last song, I really had not much to say, since I felt it very necessary to hear how the music and the lyrics fit together.
These lyrics are sheer poetry and can stand on their own, as far as my tastes are concerned.
It may have something to do with being much older than you and many of your fans and also the fact that I am a woman .
Who knows?
I admire your conviction, but also respect your asking for feedback.
It confirms how secure you are with who you are as an artist.
Best wishes from NYC. Edith
So, I liked all of it but am struggling with the last part. I think I need to hear that part sung because I was right there with you on all of it until the last lines. I liked it overall, it’s very catchy.
I really like what you’ve written here. My only comment is that you’ve done such a great job of avoiding obvious rhymes in the first verse, that it seems odd that you used late/fate and relief/belief in the last one. Not that it doesn’t work…but I just loved the pseudo rhymes you worked the first time around.
Thanks for the feedback! I would’ve replied earlier, but I just got back from taking Cole to his first tennis lesson.
I hope I can avoid singing it like Jon Cryer, now that you’ve implanted Duckie in my head!
Interesting that the word “the” seems to be the biggest sticking point. While sometimes I’m forced to insert an extra syllable where it would be better without, I kind of prefer it the way it is. I’ll continue to think on it though. The question is, does eliminating that extra word enhance the lyric enough to compensate for the loss of symmetry at “OF churches and matching rings”?
As for the specific word substitutions, try singing them with the melody. Either the emphasis isn’t correct, the syllables don’t line up, or it’s hard to say those specific words fast enough (“shown the true me”). If I didn’t have to worry about that stuff, I’d certainly chose more flowing and poetic words.
@Daniel – What, I don’t get bonus points for rhyming “overtures” and “matured”? It’s not easy! Not to mention the alliteration in stamp/stubborn/schemes and CHurches/matCHing
. Kidding aside, I almost wish I wasn’t drawn to those devices.
@Kevin – I was referring to the persona’s wedding, not the wedding to “man of your dreams.” I hope that’s clear to others, because it would be tricky to clarify without major surgery.
@Zeus – I like that! Too bad I don’t have another verse at my disposal.
@aztrology – Perhaps “Psychopathic Megalomaniac” should be my next song!
i like it although i do agree with randy about the “the me” part. other than that i quite like it.
Maybe she doesn’t want a relationship with him because she suspects he could become a psychopathic megalomaniac who might seek to destroy her (or her reputation, at least)—a bit difficult to rhyme, sorry
seems like the kind of song that should mention your future self, he knows what happens, where you are about to go wrong. He must be yelling back through time to you.
How About “Another Me in Another Life”?
It’s the story of a man watching ‘the one who got away’ getting married, right? I really love all the theatrical metaphors. The one part that confused me was, “Until you stamp out
My stubborn schemes
Of churches and matching rings”
I wasn’t sure if that meant you had wanted to get married and had stubborn schemes, or if she had, or if you were talking about her current wedding. That’s the only spot that took me out of it.
Love the music to it, as well.
Hi Brian, I like this one … although there are some rough parts to me. This one had me singing my own tune it before I saw the imbedded piano music.
Let me start with the chorus – it’s perfect to me except the third line – the word “The” is bothering me for some reason … I know lyrics don’t read like paragraphs in a sentence – they are more like poetry. I write enough lyrics myself (maybe you could return the favor and review a few of mine sometime?). I would switch “The” with “And” … I think it pulls the first three lines together into a stronger argument to the “voice” of the song.
As far as the verses go, I know you are doing a metered rhyming scheme here – but lines 3 and 4 (overtures and matured) seems forced amongst the rest of the lyrics where the rhymes are very clear and apparent. This is probably something that will become less apparent in how the music is sung and pronounced …
Last verse, the last line – it’s rough also, but again, it’s probably fine because you know how the song will be sung.
Story and completeness of the lyrics – I think it’s there. That balance of being concrete by providing enough universal images, but vague enough that a listener could apply it to their own experiences is there.
Good job!
The “the me” line seems a little odd to me. I understand the character metaphor here, but what about dropping the “the” and fixing the grammar like this:
Another plotline
Another script
Me in another life
I’d win you over
I like it, and don’t hate me for saying this, but maybe subconsciously you were thinking of the late John Hughes, as this sounds like “Ducky”‘s perspective from Pretty in Pink…
The last line is odd to read, but probably sounds fine when sung….as a poem, that line is clunky, but it does complete the message..
“Maybe shown the true me, you’d shed that belief”? (a suggestion..)
love the music…naturally..
Comments on this entry are closed.