Comments on: lyric check: Song Named After a Girl

By: Brian Hazard

Brian Hazard — Thu, 13 May 2010 21:07:38 +0000

Hmm… or maybe “bonus points.” I guess that was more what I had in mind.

By: Guy

Guy — Thu, 13 May 2010 17:16:59 +0000

“I hope you appreciate the novelty
When you calculate all the time wasted on me”
may not make as much sense but I think it sounds better than “I get extra points”

Or consider
“I hope that I get some points for novelty
When you calculate all the time wasted on me”
I don’t know, the “extra” doesn’t quite fit for me.
The rest of the song is very strong.

By: Brian Hazard

Brian Hazard — Thu, 13 May 2010 14:48:03 +0000

I changed the last two lines again this morning. I’m not sure if it translates well to German Thomas, but I think it’s stronger and matches well with the following first line of the chorus, “I want to laugh it off.”

By: Brian Hazard

Brian Hazard — Thu, 13 May 2010 03:00:39 +0000

Yeah, let’s do “calculate.” I updated the lyric.

I appreciate all the suggestions Guy! Fwiw I was toying around with “notoriety” and “anonymously” for the end of first verse, but kept it simple with “undue fame.” I like your dubious quasi-fame angle but I worry that it would conflict with those earlier lines. Plus the novelty factoring in thing justifies the preceding lines, which otherwise just sound like fake bravado. Or maybe I’m overanalyzing this.

By: Guy

Guy — Thu, 13 May 2010 01:06:48 +0000

As an aspiring mathematician I cannot in impartiality comment on “factor in” and “calculate” as compared to any alternative. Heh. But actually I think that “think about all the time” sounds fine as it is. Maybe even “consider” could be an option to replace “factor in” if you felt like it.

Hm, finishing on “wasted on me” brings it back to the bittersweet tragic Color Theory we love. What if instead of “novelty” it were saying something more to the effect of “enjoy this dubious quasi-fame as a souvenir” I don’t have a lyric to do that with the right cadence and all. “Notoriety” keeps the rhyme “wasted on me” but is a syllable longer and would demand changing more of the line. “Fame” rhymes easily with “blame” but I’m not sure that’s appropriate and you have used it already at the start so that’s probably a no-go.

By: Mark

Mark — Thu, 13 May 2010 00:38:31 +0000

personally I would like “calculate” in the last sentence. To be honest, I wasn’t a huge fan of this lyric on my first read-through… but I am really enjoying it now. I’m not sure if it is the changes or just my state of mind.

By: Brian Hazard

Brian Hazard — Wed, 12 May 2010 22:41:03 +0000

OK, new revision up! I made the change to the second half of the chorus, as well as the second half of the second verse. Better? Would “calculate” be an improvement over “think about” in the last line?

By: Brian Hazard

Brian Hazard — Wed, 12 May 2010 21:50:50 +0000

Ha! I didn’t even notice that. “The Sound” has even more going for it now!

By: Thomas

Thomas — Wed, 12 May 2010 21:29:14 +0000

Oh yes, it reminds me too at “Song for Whoever” from The Beautiful South as I read it the first time.

I really like the substitution of Andy:
I want to rip my heart out
Throw it on the ground
I want to scream your name out
Just to hear the sound

Notice the last line, so now here it is Brian: “… the sound”!

German transaltions are done.

Thomas.

By: Brian Hazard

Brian Hazard — Wed, 12 May 2010 18:06:38 +0000

Thanks guys! Yeah, I agree “words” needs to be changed, if only because it pulls you away from the story as a potential clue.

Great substitution Andy! I think I’d prefer:

I want to rip my heart out
Throw it on the ground
I want to scream your name out
Just to hear the sound

I’ll mull it over a bit but I’m pretty sure it’s a keeper. Much appreciated!

Björn, the last verse is obliquely referring to Elton John’s “Your Song”: “You can tell everybody this is your song.” Maybe it’s a stretch.