Here’s an interesting one, based on the Analogics snippet. I’ll leave it to you to decide whether it’s clever or just plain stupid. As always, I welcome your thoughts and suggestions. Anything confusing or contradictory? What’s the weakest part? The strongest? Before you suggest a word-for-word substitution, try singing along with the player below to make sure it fits.
Song Named After a Girl
©2010 Brian Hazard (ASCAP)
I sing a timeless story
The song about a girl
A tale of tragic glory
To captivate the world
I don’t want to award you any undue fame
So the star of this lyric doesn’t have a name
I want to laugh it off but
This isn’t a game
I want to write a song and
Sing it with your name but
Who cares? I’ll recover
I want to rip my heart out
Throw it on the ground
I want to scream your name out
Just to hear the sound but
Who needs another…
Song named after a girl
Song named after a girl
The plot line is a classic
Been done a million times
But never so sarcastic
With such ironic rhymes
So I hope I get bonus points for novelty
When you calculate all the time you wasted on me
{ 13 comments }
Hmm… or maybe “bonus points.” I guess that was more what I had in mind.
“I hope you appreciate the novelty
When you calculate all the time wasted on me”
may not make as much sense but I think it sounds better than “I get extra points”
Or consider
“I hope that I get some points for novelty
When you calculate all the time wasted on me”
I don’t know, the “extra” doesn’t quite fit for me.
The rest of the song is very strong.
I changed the last two lines again this morning. I’m not sure if it translates well to German Thomas, but I think it’s stronger and matches well with the following first line of the chorus, “I want to laugh it off.”
Yeah, let’s do “calculate.” I updated the lyric.
I appreciate all the suggestions Guy! Fwiw I was toying around with “notoriety” and “anonymously” for the end of first verse, but kept it simple with “undue fame.” I like your dubious quasi-fame angle but I worry that it would conflict with those earlier lines. Plus the novelty factoring in thing justifies the preceding lines, which otherwise just sound like fake bravado. Or maybe I’m overanalyzing this.
As an aspiring mathematician I cannot in impartiality comment on “factor in” and “calculate” as compared to any alternative. Heh. But actually I think that “think about all the time” sounds fine as it is. Maybe even “consider” could be an option to replace “factor in” if you felt like it.
Hm, finishing on “wasted on me” brings it back to the bittersweet tragic Color Theory we love.
What if instead of “novelty” it were saying something more to the effect of “enjoy this dubious quasi-fame as a souvenir” I don’t have a lyric to do that with the right cadence and all. “Notoriety” keeps the rhyme “wasted on me” but is a syllable longer and would demand changing more of the line. “Fame” rhymes easily with “blame” but I’m not sure that’s appropriate and you have used it already at the start so that’s probably a no-go.
personally I would like “calculate” in the last sentence. To be honest, I wasn’t a huge fan of this lyric on my first read-through… but I am really enjoying it now. I’m not sure if it is the changes or just my state of mind.
OK, new revision up! I made the change to the second half of the chorus, as well as the second half of the second verse. Better? Would “calculate” be an improvement over “think about” in the last line?
Ha! I didn’t even notice that. “The Sound” has even more going for it now!
Oh yes, it reminds me too at “Song for Whoever” from The Beautiful South as I read it the first time.
I really like the substitution of Andy:
I want to rip my heart out
Throw it on the ground
I want to scream your name out
Just to hear the sound
Notice the last line, so now here it is Brian: “… the sound”!
German transaltions are done.
Thomas.
Thanks guys! Yeah, I agree “words” needs to be changed, if only because it pulls you away from the story as a potential clue.
Great substitution Andy! I think I’d prefer:
I want to rip my heart out
Throw it on the ground
I want to scream your name out
Just to hear the sound
I’ll mull it over a bit but I’m pretty sure it’s a keeper. Much appreciated!
Björn, the last verse is obliquely referring to Elton John’s “Your Song”: “You can tell everybody this is your song.” Maybe it’s a stretch.
This reminds me somehow of “Song for whoever” by the Beautiful South
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/beautiful+south/song+for+whoever_20015285.html
I agree with Guy. It’s clever and cute (more than Song for whoever by the way).
I also stopped at “just to hear the words”
Maybe this works better (as long as you didn’t want to use it as a “clue”):
I want to rip my heart out
Leave it on the ground (Smash it to the ground?)
I want to scream your name out
Just to hear the sound but
Who needs another…
???
“Just to hear the words” could refer to “firstname + surname”.
I can relate to the chorus, but I don’t like the last verse. Mostly because I don’t get it.
I think it’s clever and cute. Maybe just a little more lighthearted than much of your work.
“just to hear the words” only works if the anonymous girl’s name is more than one word. Doesn’t mean you need to change it, but it acts as a “clue” which may or may not be what you want.
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