I’d love to hear your thoughts on a new lyric I wrote this weekend in a Miami hotel room. This one is based on the Grey Squares snippet. You can hear the basic verse and chorus melodies over the chords using the player below (start your mental lyric playback at the second stanza). Obviously the chorus arrangement isn’t fleshed out yet. As always, I’m wide open to your suggestions. Anything confusing or contradictory? What’s the weakest part? The strongest? Before you suggest a word-for-word substitution, try singing it to make sure it fits.
I hear you think about me now and then
To fantasize about what might have been
I’ve always been the one who got away
The careless bullet tends to ricochet
There’s virtue in the straight and narrow path
And while you can’t afford the aftermath
The rear-view mirror tends to draw the eye
So sneak a peek now baby, don’t be shy
But you say you’re happy
So maybe it’s for the better
But you say you’re happy
To chauffeur these doubts forever
Keep me in the backseat of your mind
You’re driving under my influence
Drunk on the thrill and deaf to consequence
You know that I could make your life a mess
And yet you chose to wear your tightest dress.
{ 11 comments }
Heh, did I mention I’m reading “Les Liaisons Dangerouses” (in English) now? The straight and narrow path of virtue makes sense to me.
I confess I did a few vocal takes yesterday, so I’m less likely to change anything at this point. But wow, I love that poem!
I don’t want to try too hard to shove everything into a driving metaphor. It starts to feel forced. I feel okay introducing it in the middle of the second verse and riding it out – so to speak!
As long as the central image (keep me in the backseat of your mind) makes sense and is sufficiently reinforced, I’m happy to be a bit vague. And I think “virtue” is an important word to introduce, as it hints at the moral context of the situation.
Strongest line is the tightest dress. Explains a lot! I also like sneak a peek now, baby. I think details like that convey entire paragraphs of information about the characters in the song.
Two parts I think are weak are the line about the bullet and the one directly after. They are both vague and there is not enough room in the song to expand on them. Here are a couple ideas but I was having trouble figuring out the melody so I couldn’t sing them to make sure they fit, more just conceptual.
I’ve always been the one who got away
You weren’t up for a high speed chase
No double-yellow to line our path
You couldn’t afford the aftermath, still
The rear-view mirror tends to draw the eye
So sneak a peek now baby, don’t be shy
(the double-yellow could be anything else, just thinking of a road-related detail to line your path. I think the virtue/straight/narrow discussion is too vague).
For some reason this reminds me of a poem from my favorite book of poetry, Twice Removed by Ralph Angel, from your neck of the (non)woods. He uses so few words and yet says so much because details like the dull thud of windshield wipers explain everything.
THERE WAS A SILENCE
and then a greater more
unnerving will to laugh out loud,
a slashing rain
and then that moment in traffic when the dull
thud of windshield wipers
wholly isolates you,
when into a corner booth the raised
eyebrows of evening glimmer in our knowing,
photographs are taken—
you still feel dirty.
Good stuff – thanks guys!
Guy, you may be right about the careless bullet line, and your substitution makes a lot of sense in the context of the song. Still, I like the idea of me being the bullet, and bouncing back into her life in a dangerous way. Maybe the metaphor is a tad obscure.
I really like the beginning before the refrain – very heartfelt and straightforward. The sound may smooth the edges, but I’d work more on the refrain, and the ending.
“The careless bullet tends to ricochet” is the weakest line – it doesn’t fit the imagery of the rest of the song and it’s not clear how it relates to the story. That’s the one that was supposed to end in “right of way”?
“I’ve always been the one who got away,
But you still granted me the right of way?”
Lots of things you could replace in the first three syllables and “granted/granting me the right of way” – bet you’ve tried them all already.
I like the last verse, it’s a nice self-contained scene with neat plays on words.
Hi Brian, though I’m not that good in singing playback
I really love this stuff. Nice Melody, good lyrics and a very great chorus! Wonderful!
Thomas.
I agree Jason. I was also trying to squeeze “right of way” in there but couldn’t force it. I decided not too write about all the “baggage in the trunk.”
Thanks all for the kind words!
Something about a “backseat driver” would seem appropriate.
Cool sound Brian
I am curious like it itself with text listens at the end 
Greetings René
Excellent Brian, I really love it. Reminds me a lot of mid 80s Depeche Mode.
Good lyrics, nice play on words.
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