It’s time to record vocals for another collaboration, which I just this minute finished writing the lyrics for. This one is with Jonteknik, who has co-written with the likes of Paul Humphreys and Claudia Brucken. The song is in an unusually brisk 9/8, which spawned an interesting melody and quirky lyric with a strict if awkward rhythm. I’d love to get your feedback on this rough draft before it becomes final. Admittedly, there isn’t a whole lot there to critique, but I did lengthen the original arrangement! Allow me to remind you again that, when I collaborate, I intentionally write in a voice that’s very different from the “me” you’ve come to know (so don’t hold it against me if I sound like a jerk).
Exclusively Unhappy
©2009 Brian Hazard (ASCAP)
Regrets, yeah I’ve had a few
And I hope that you have too
Because you’re usually the one who is in the wrong
When it comes to me and you
You claim this relationship
Needs to be revitalized
With a change in the terms of our agreement
I’ve become a consolation prize
Okay yeah fine, this isn’t working
But I haven’t given up
So now we’re seeing other people
No I don’t need this kind of pressure
I’d be happy to remain
Exclusively unhappy with you
There is something noble in
This constant flinging of dirt
Cultivating my fight-or-flight responses
Forever on the alert.
EDIT #1: I’ve created a short mp3 so you can hear the melody of a verse going into the chorus. The phrases “other people” and “unhappy with you” repeat 3x.
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EDIT #2: Your comments persuaded me to rewrite the second verse to what you see above. For reference, here’s the original:
You claim this relationship
Is turning Lord of the Flies
Offering new terms to our social contract
That you want to formalize
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
generally looking for more “positive vibes” from you but nothing wrong with the lyrics
Hi Brian, just a quick statement to the lyrics: somehow I like them.., good stuff.
Best Wishes
Thomas.
The lyrics are short and true.
Right on the point.
Great!
Hi Brian
Yeah I like them very much.
Good luck
Dee.
The Lord of the Flies reference sort of bugs me – while I know the book well, and can gather the imagery you are painting with that reference, the rest of the lyrics are so lacking in concrete visualization (I don’t mean this negatively), that this one very concrete image, stands out like a sour thumb. It’s either the rest of the verses are not developing enough of the story of what’s going wrong, or they are not supporting this imagery enough because they are vague and more common “cliche” than the sort of new “cliche” you are developing with that line. I guess what I am saying is either be vague or be concrete … I’d personally like to think you can be vaguely concrete, but that isn’t happening here either.
I do like the chorus … or maybe as a bridge? Without music to go with – it’s hard for me to picture “singing to it” – which is how I judge a good song in it’s entirety.
Sorry if I am coming off too harsh – I don’t mean to. I like the story/thought/sentiment the chorus is trying to convey and the idea of the song.
Lyrics are fine and I’m sure it can relate to many people out there. Can’t wait to hear it when it’s done.
Take Care and Thanks!
Thanks everybody!
Daniel, I appreciate your detailed analysis. I know what you mean on the LOTF reference. I went back and forth on that one, but decided to go for it. While I agree it stands alone as a specific concrete reference, I feel like some of the other more “sophisticated” language helps balance it out. Specifically “social contract,” “fight-or-flight,” and “noble” (I had “noble savage” in mind, but that would be a bit over the top) help ground the allusion.
The section in bold is indeed the chorus. If the song were longer, I’d be able to flesh out more details, and that one image wouldn’t stand so bare. As it stands, I’d rather have the one strong idea than none at all. It sums up a deteriorating relationship pretty well IMHO, and helps maintain the brisk and somewhat sarcastic tone.
Are you deliberately starting with the same opening line as “My Way”? This will be tricky to sing. Hard to compete with Ol’ Blue Eyes. Or Sid Vicious.
But I like the title and a lot of the ideas! Good!
Yep, that’s deliberate. The verse melody is Sinatra-esque (perhaps a bit Fidgital-esque as well!). The chorus is quite a bit livelier, which makes for a nice contrast. Both are tricky to sing!
I rather like the lyrics. I trust you to put out another amazing song. Good job Brian.
Yo Brian, considering how 2 of my friends are going through a split and I love how the chorus doesn’t rhyme…as opposed to the rest that does…the final verse is actually my favorite of the three “verses”..or in this case “versus”. Can’t wait to hear it….if you ever work with Paul Humphreys, I want an invite….I’ll be a gofer…don’t care…I got some oil for the lamps of China…lol…such an electronic geek I am.
Sounds good to me, although you might cringe when I say that it sounds like a Color Theory lyric. You have a voice that I generally recognize as yours, even written.
i liked it i could feel the deepness of the song didn,t understand the lord of the flies part but other than that i get what your tryin to acomplish with it
“Versus” indeed.
BC, my guess is if I ever had the pleasure of working with Paul Humphreys, it would be over the internet, but you’re welcome over anyway!
Mark, I’m sure you’d recognize my lyrics anywhere, after all the helpful feedback you provided during my “Bad Song of the Week” period.
i like the feel of the lyrics, at first the flow seemed odd reading through, but to the music it should be great, and read better on second viewing (though i agree on the earlier mentioned lord of the flies lyric, but it can pass
)
nice work from
Thanks for asking if I have any comments. I like the line “exclusively unhappy with you” but I don’t get anything from the rest. But then lots of lyrics separately don’t mean much to me, though they fit with the finished music.
That LOTF verse is weighing on me. Maybe I’ll sleep on it and come up with an alternate line or verse, and let Jon choose what makes it into the song.
Brian,
These lyrics are great! Not hearing them in the context of the music. They are dark as well. The title of the song is great as well!
I personally enjoy when you try a different tone like this.
I love it when you take a more common phrase and turn it on its head to create a very vivid image. For example the lines:
“I’d be happy to remain
Exclusively unhappy with you”
I also enjoy the way some of the lines feel like they’re part of a conversation… like we’re listening to someone working out how they feel. For me, this comes across in things like “Regrets, yeah I’ve had a few” and “Okay yeah fine, this isn’t working”
I didn’t want to be another person just saying “Yeah, it’s great,” but here I am. Yeah, it’s great. =)
Mark
Brian,
Brian,
All I can say is wow. I am astounded at your timing of all of this. I was just having a conversation with someone today about your talent when it comes to writing lyrics. But specifically in regards to Exclusively Unhappy – I’m not sure what to think of the lyrics as a whole yet. Since I am only functioning on two hours of sleep I am definitely not operating on all cylinders and will have give this more thought when I am in a better frame of mind. I do believe that these lyrics are very vivid (something which you have quite a knack at) but at the same time are different as the impact is made by the simplicity and succinctness of these phrases. The one sticking point is, however, the Lord of the Flies reference. Not everyone has read the LOTF, so some of the meaning may be lost on some. But who knows, you might start a new literary trend! Seriously though, what I like most right now is the the song title and it’s contradictory nature. After all, as consistent as we try to be in our day to day lives, aren’t we all in some way a bunch of contradictions, a juxtaposition of things that simply do not belong together? It’s not something that we can explain – it just simply is.
Boy, I hope all of that rambling made some sense to somebody!
In closing, keep up the good work Brian. I know you have been working hard and you have a lot of supportive fans behind you!
Brian, the lord of the flies seems a bit awkward.
As an impulse suggestion,
You claim this relationship
Is turning against the tide
Offering new terms to our social contract
That you want to formalize
Dude, take a chill pill. I don’t know but when I read through the lyrics the thought seemed to be lost. You seemed to be grabbing for something, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was you were looking for. There were flies, social contracts and then pressure. I don’t know how the music blends into this but I don’t think I’d like it whatever it turned out to be. I felt like I should play some Marilyn Manson to bring me up? I know at times things can get bad, we’ve all been there, but I suggest trying some type of constructive approach. I like playing in the dirt too, but the clouds were hanging pretty low from the rest of the song so it looked to me we were going to be playing in mud. Now, that’s nice too and can be lots of fun! There, that’s it, try to make it fun………….
or, at least a little humorous!
Lots of great food for thought – thanks!
OK, LOTF is out. I’ve edited the lyrics up top.
I’m pretty stubborn about changing lyrics, so thanks for keeping at me. This is definitely an improvement. You wouldn’t know without hearing the music, but it works better rhythmically as well.
I have a confession to make. I haven’t read Lord of the Flies myself! Still, I have a feel for it, like Catch-22, which I haven’t read either.
I’ve added an mp3 so you can hear the melody on the piano, and try in vain to sing along
. You’ll hear that the song isn’t as heavy as the lyrics may have led you to believe.
So, I started following this conversation late and didn’t understand the LOTF references because I never saw the original lyric until the last post (above). Having the perspective of seeing the revised lyric first and then the original, I do have to say that I like the revision better. I especially like the yin/yang-like contrasts being expressed.
I like the melody, and it is fairly easy for me to envision (enhear???) the lyric with it. Nice!
It’s not worth grinding so much over the lyrics of a song.
I’m a poet myself, and in writing, standards can get high, yes.
What I can’t always seem to get over is “Maybe your heart stops, maybe your brain” – in a song that was supposed to be melodically happy and upbeat (By Brian Hazard).
But then comes the flashback from Dave Gahan, saying “We have been good at taking love songs to where normally they wouldn’t be.”
So everything is just nice and dandy after all.
Besides, “I don’t wanna know, what if I lost you”.
Contrast is what I’m living for.
The more you surprise me, the more I like you.
And I’ve got to tell you, I’m grateful for most everything so far.
Zero Crossing.
Hi Brian,
I like the new lines better than the “Lord of the flies” version. I am no reference though, because as a non-native speaker I might not get all meanings.
-Michael
I’m sorry to say that I’m not good at this sort of thing. My background in music is rather shallow, and my expertise is usually limited to “like it” or “don’t like it”.
I can just say that the lyrics make sense to me, though I was very surprised at the mp3. I also don’t like the grammatically incorrect “me and you”, but it’s probably safe to ignore that.
The first color theory’s song I heard was ponytail girl.I was sitting on my bed and reading a book…when the song ended I didn’t care about the book anymore.I just wanted to listen this song again and again.And do you know why?Because of the lyrics and the instrumental.It was very strange feeling inside of me.I saw the girl, I saw the boy, I felt their minds, how far are the from each other.In one room, but in different worlds.So..All i want to say is that your songs are so emotionally full with colors, feelings, images, faces, states…This new text is the same.Again – i felt something special while I was reading it.Thank you and keep doing the same incredible art!
Your muse is beautiful!
Greetings from Bulgaria.
Misha:)))
Hi Brian,
Interesting lyrics. Not sure about “I’d be happy to remain exclusively unhappy with you”though:)
Cheers
Nader
I like the message you’re telling but I it seems that at times you’re being lyrically clever for the sake of being clever. It’s important to avoid all the old cliches, but there’s also a lot to be said for saying what you want to say in the simpliest form, shortest route from point A to point B, etc., so it’s a fine line to walk. The opening line instantly struck me of something I’ve already heard from a previous song, something rehashed. I do really like the 3rd stanza, I’ve lived the “exclusively unhappy with you” so that hit home. Overall I like it, just wish it were a little more “stripped down”.
Achilles, thanks for your poet’s insight. I’m pleased to hear that “Hypothetically” was honest, dark, and direct enough to catch your attention. If it’s any consolation, it started off as a love song before taking a life of its own.
Stephen, I’m glad I didn’t catch my grammar mistake, because I like the line and I wouldn’t have allowed myself to keep it!
Misha, you are very kind.
Hehe… np Nader, I’ll just drop that one part.
Victor, yes, the opening line is deliberately copping Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” I admit I struggle to find the balance between clever and direct, but in this case, I’m hoping the cleverness comes off as sarcasm.
This morning Jon e-mailed and said he liked both the lyrics and the melody, so it looks like we’re good to go! Unless my voice gives me trouble, I should be able to wrap up in a day or two.
Thanks again for all your help everyone! I hope you enjoyed this process as much as I did. I’m convinced it made for a better lyric. I’ve got one more collaboration to do before beginning the album in earnest, so expect another set of lyrics soon!
Hi Brian,
I like the lyrics, very good. Yes, the change to the original “lord of the flies” part is much better. Can’t wait to hear the song finished. All the best.
I would be sketch on using “consolation prize”… that is going to pigeon hole you as a Depeche Mode wanna be. Not that I dislike DM, obviously, but that is such the easily identified lyric of a DM tune. I just started singing DM as soon as I read the lyric…likely something you do not want a listener to do.
Lord of the Flies reference will push you into synth pop/trekky/nerdyness.
I like this part:
There is something noble in
This constant flinging of dirt
Cultivating my fight-or-flight responses
Forever on the alert.
I read that lyric and thought “that is Color Theory”, not someone ripping off a lyric, or being anything other than themselves…something you probably want others to do as well.
I love that you are sharing with us.
Brilliant Brian! What a great way to invite others into the process. Too cool.
Kenny, I can’t off the top of my head think of a DM lyric with “consolation prize.” Maybe that’s just a subconscious defense mechanism on my part
. Regardless, it’s already recorded and the vocals delivered. I’ve been called worse things that a DM wannabe, so it’s all good.
I’ll continue to post lyrics before they’re recorded – it’s been very helpful!
I had to Google it. Is it just “Sea of Sin”? That’s so obscure even I didn’t know it!
Heh…Yup, that is the tune.
Yeah….there is far worse things to be called.
Best,
Kenny
Hey Brian,
Love the lyrics! They’re amazing! You always manage to infuse a scientific feel into your music and lyrics and I really like that. As a side comment. About the DM wannabe thing, everyone knows that DM is an inspiration for your creativity. Subconscious or whatever, i love that lyric. Keep it. If anything, it will be seen as a send up to DM.